EVERYTHING I POST TO THIS BLOG IS REFLECTIVE OF MY/OUR OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. I DO NOT CLAIM TO BE ANY FORM OF MENTAL HEALTH EXPERT.
I/We are a person with DID originally diagnosed with PTSD dissociative sub-type, and I am unable to afford DID-specific therapy. What has helped us function includes Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD, therapeutic tips learned at the annual Healing Together conference, advice given by doctors and dissociative individuals both online and in print, and by communicating with ourselves, learning to trust each other, and discovering what we need on our own. It’s taken years to get where we are.
We also have vaginismus, a painful sexual dysfunction which prevented us from being able to enjoy sex for many years. We can now enjoy sex the majority of the time, and it seems that vaginismus has gone from activating for all of us/at every attempt to activating for some of us more than others. We have vaginismus for the same reason we have DID.
This blog will frequently discuss topics and experiences that some may find triggering.
We hope that through this blog, we can talk about our thoughts and experiences in order to help others who are going through the same thing, to raise awareness and understanding, and to change the dehumanizing narratives that surround DID/OSDD.
We use the name Crayon Hydra as our “system name” and for online anonymity. “System” is a great term to describe the inner workings of DID/OSDD, however, one of us used to struggle with “being a robot” and “system” is too machine-like for comfort. Also, monsters are cool, several of us feel like one, and monsters appeal to our feelings about experiencing dehumanization in a way that we’re comfortable associating with. There's also been a rediscovery of the sense of safety crayons bring and the joy of drawing with them. So, in a sense, the name Crayon Hydra means "safety monster." It's a declaration of finding joy in being ourselves, both as alters and as a whole.
When referring to the entire person and not a particular alter, I/We go between describing ourself as I or We depending on what feels right in the moment.